6:00pm – So, 10 minutes ago, some fashion knob on E! said that LITERALLY NOTHING is off-limits for Nicole Kidman on the red carpet…which, if he’s using English correctly, means she could LITERALLY arrive any minute stark naked, smeared in feces, with live rats on her head. Fingers crossed!
6:15pm – Watching their vapid red carpet correspondents (except Guiliana…love ya, G!) and especially the ads for all the vile Kardashiana on their schedule makes me wonder if E! has done more damage to America than Fox News. The answer is no, obviously…but E!’s probably a lock for the Top Ten shittiest influences on America. (But, of course, the mitigating factor is they just showed me all those adorable waifs from Stranger Things in their funny prom tuxes, so…)
6:18pm – Laverne Cox: always using her platforms to do good.
6:21pm – Thanks for the vaguely inappropriate overhead Cleavage-Cam, E!
6:23pm – Regina King…why are you taking greasy hair tips from me in 8th grade?
6:26pm – Wait a minute…that supermodel is Samantha Bee! Also, Kumail Nanjiani’s real-life lovely no-longer-in-a-coma wife is my pick for best dressed so far.
6:33pm – Kate McKinnon looks like a sexy bondage mermaid. Y’know, in the good way.
6:36pm – Milo Ventigliama (sp?) is also taking greasy hair tips from me in 8th grade. Who knew greasy-hair 8th grade me would eventually become such a fashion icon?
6:37pm – ODENKIRK!
6:38pm – Udo Aduba must be Nigerian for very huggable.
6:42pm – And Zoe Kravitz jumps past coma wife to the top of my best dressed list!
6:47 – MILLIE-BOBS!!!
6:51pm – Millie-Bobs is both adorbz and adorkable.
6:57 – Laura Dern, looking very stylish even without her Diane wig.
7:01 – Shailene Woodley: “Who has TIME to watch TV? I’m a READER,” says TV star who uses the word “emotionality.”
7:09 – Sarah Paulson has volunteered to be the disco ball at this year’s after-party. Thanks, Sarah!
7:10pm – Viola = pretty in orange. Claire Foy = glamorous camel toe.
7:11pm – Nice midriff, Sarah Hyland! You are by far the best Chinese restaurant cocktail waitress on the red carpet so far!
7:16pm – Priyanka Chopra is wearing measles.
7:21pm – Giuliana, please stop reminding the beautifully dressed Evan Rachel Wood that she’s totally not going to win by asking her about the Emmy speech she’s totally not gonna give.
7:23pm – My wife just said Kylie Jenner is the watered-down Kim Kardashian. I think my wife might be aphasic, because she’s speaking words that make no sense. Please call 911.
7:24pm – Also: WHY STILL KARDASHIANS?!? WHY!?!? WHY?!? “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” viewers are more inexplicable to me than Trump voters.
7:30pm – Elisabeth Moss…crazy for being a Scientologist or crazy sane for having a gown with handy pockets?
7:32pm – Funny lady Vanessa Bayer is comically wearing her grandmother’s couch, because: comedy!
7:36pm – Keith Urban: also rockin’ ’81 OsborneGreez.
7:37pm – And sadly, with LITERALLY nothing off limits, Nicole Kidman chose a red gown rather than live rats in her hair.
7:41pm – 42 years after “Rocky Horror”, I’d still be very happy to touch-a-touch-a-touch Susan Sarandon.
8:05pm – That was a hilariously depressing opening number.
8:11pm – Stephen Colbert says the Emmy nominees are the most diverse group in history. My wife says, “If diversity doesn’t include ugly people.”
8:14pm – Colbert compares Donald Trump to Walter White (though he clearly meant to say Walter Orange).
8:16pm – SPICEY!!!
8:20pm – Colbert should be elected Emmy Host For Life.
8:22pm – Nice backhand Trump slam, John Lithgow (as opposed to all Colbert’s forehand smashes)!
8:34pm – SUMMER OF DERN!!!
8:49pm – Naked Westworld Colbert FTW.
8:57pm – “At long last, Mr. President, here is your Emmy.” Alec Baldwin scores least surprising win of the night & also best Trump dig.
9:07pm – To the accountants mocked by the Emmys from this year’s Oscar accountants: “Trust us, it could be way worse.”
9:09pm – PARTON 2020!
9:11pm – Jane Fonda’s hairstyle is confusing me.
9:13pm – I love Alexander’s SkarsMå!
9:26pm – Much love to acting vets, much love to Ann Dowd!
9:40pm – So many inspirational moments tonight! And then a big best reality series win for…oh, “The Voice”. Well…uh…yay? I guess? I mean, somebody must be happy about that, right?
9:50pm – Oh, no! Congrats to the Emmy-wining “Handmaid’s Tale” director in the yellow-stained pee dress, though it must be very embarrassing to win a major award in…y’know…a pee dress.
9:53pm – I love you, Seth MacFarlane…until I see your oh-so-punchable face.
10:04pm – Emmys 2017 in memoriam: God bless you all, and see you in Heaven. (Except you, Roger Ailes, because…y’know, burn in hell.)
10:16pm – Yeah, Donald Glover winning Best Actor in a comedy! (And yeah purple Glover tux!)
10:20pm – My wife notices a little Lily Tomlin side-eye when Julia Louis Dreyfus wins Best Comedy Actress Emmy. Again.
10:22pm – Boy, I sure hope Trump’s not watching the Emmys, ’cause everybody’s being so mean to him! Fake news!!!
10:23pm – Can Norman Lear & Carol Burnett immediately star in an adorable father/daughter crime-solving show?
10:35pm – Way to go, Riz Ahmed, for not only winning a Best Dramatic Actor Emmy, but also for beating out Robert DeNiro for a Best Actor Emmy, which has gotta be pretty heady.
10:41pm – Congrats on the Emmy win for “Black Mirror”: “San Junipero”…that’s the one episode that DOESN’T make you wanna kill yourself, right?
10:46pm – Awards shows, please let older presenters like Cicely Tyson read from notecards. Have you met old people? They don’t know from TelePrompters!!!
10:58pm – E-Moss wins! Guess those E-meters really worked! (But seriously, this is overdue from “Mad Men”…congrats!)
11:02pm – ATWOOD! (But as a friend online said, they really should’ve let her speak…IRONY!)
11:03pm – And congrats, “Handmaids”, for winning the Emmy for Best Dramatic Series. Good night!